I am in the process of coming back to reality including work, the blog and general life after a camping vacation. I had two weeks off, where I got to connect with my partner, myself, loved ones and Manitoba’s beauty. I was anxious getting back to so called “normal.”

As I was procrastinating, I scrolled Tik Tok and @Orions_charge shared about not having to strive to be happy or comfortable, their context being that chronic illness and pain can make that impossible so finding moments and contentedness is more than enough. My brows furrowed and lips pushed together as my brain’s gears squished together. I was unsure. This felt like a big shift from everything I’ve been taught to go for.

This sat with me through the day as I overwhelmed myself thinking about all I had to do and resenting how helpful routine can be. As I pouted, the sky introduced those creepy clouds, ready to return to the world it’s burdensome weight. I gasped with glee – interrupting serious talk- as lightening knocked my those gears into a higher speed. Afterwards, I stood with my curious cat on my balcony, watching nature do its stunning powerful dance.

As I crawled into bed, the sound of rain blasted my fears away and I could tune into the sound that always brings along mindfulness, wet traffic. I remembered a babysitter trying to reassure me during a storm with stories of angels bowling. Of course I was taught how things truly worked and already knew electrifying clouds were so cool but I enjoyed the story. I loved finding magic in knowing she had heard that as a kid and my nervousness was normalized.

Things can be hard and have breaks of beauty. I can be overwhelmed and take a moment to watch the rain. I can feel alone, sneeze on that same rainy balcony and hear my neighbours bless me, and feel that connection so quickly. I can be so okay and not at the same time.

I don’t want to strive to be happy, I want to strive to accept and be okay through it all. Being fully sad when I’m sad is cozy and I can sooth and love myself through it. Then when I am happy, I can bask and enjoy it fully. Moments come and feelings go, all of it will pass so striving for just one feeling doesn’t really make sense.