Today marks one year since I officially got my ADHD diagnosis. I thought I’d have big feelings today I’m surprised at my kind of distance from all the fear, joy and mourning I had with that electronic letter.

Although life is somewhat more steady than it was prior to my diagnosis I’m amazed at how much more manageable it is even knowing I’m not “normal.”

I now live with permission to go with my own flow thus pumping out lots of productivity some days and nesting when I need to. It was torture when I didn’t know that I literally couldn’t do things the way society, school and work experiences taught me to. Now, I stimulate my brain with exercise, medication, stim toys mechanical eating, and more so I don’t seem to making as many impulsive decisions or shaming myself as much. I can be gentler, kinder and more understanding of myself knowing my brain will never work exactly like I was told it was supposed to work.

It’s always strange how finding some freedom from the bars of trying to be something I’m not. It was so so exciting at first then results in a peaceful calm. And… I still get sad. I still have helpless moments where feelings are just so big and my ability to cope feels so small. I still comfort that kid in me who was beaten up for not being girly enough, for constantly chewing on everything and not fitting in. I still hear faded voices say I should just apply myself or have so much potential and have to encourage myself by remembering any thing only matters so much or I don’t have to live up to every imposed potential.

I have all the weirdness still, though much of it I fell in love with awhile ago. The parts that were berated the most still feel like they are pointing out, scrapping against all the way life doesn’t fit me. *and I’m white and masc presenting so get to fit in a lot of ways most of the time* Internalized oppression is a sticky force.

I’m not saying ADHD is a superpower even though sometimes the good stuff like hyperfocus, rapid task switching and easy empathy is super helpful; its also super exhausting! I have so many reminders to eat, drink water and get breaks from always empathizing so hard.

One year later, the diagnosis is a blessing to know the information I was lacking for so long and still a bit of a ugh.